Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Love...New Year

So here we are. New Year, new times, new starts, roller coasters and a whole set of days to get things right and wrong. 

Today I have taken my second and last child to start her first day at preschool. She and I were both ready for this. She was ready at least six months ago, me probably longer. 

Over the last year especially, I have become aware of something quite life changing. And it's this. I don't much like this full time parenting malarkey. In fact it makes me downright miserable. And in turn this make the family miserable. I know there are other factors but think about it. Six and half years of wiping in all forms, six and a half years of broken sleep, six and half years of being the entertainment officer, the buggy pusher, the hug maker, the kitchen porter, the chef, the launderer, the happy maker, the potty trainer and most of all of those jobs involve wiping. I'm not a stay at home mum, I'm a stay at home wiper. 

This has taken a toll on the way I see things. I am to my kids Mummy, Mama, Hated One, Boring One and recently Ursula the Sea Witch and Ms Trunchball rolled into one. I get angry really quickly, I am bored of endless frustrating games and would rather disappear into the kitchen or to the Internet than hear another "she's looking at me" or "he's hurting me" or the telling tales. What I have discovered about being a mother is that some parts I am rather good at, the reading, the baking, the organising, the puddle jumping and the wiping of course. But I lack in others as all parents do. I need something else and so do they. They need their Mum to be happy and not lost any more. I need a job. I am envious of those parents who have that down as best they can. It wasn't meant to be like this. I always thought I would go back to work pretty quickly but a premature baby put paid to that. I get there are endless sacrifices whether you work or not and that goes with complete anarchy sometimes but I crave doing things differently. I want to be something else other than someone's mum, the kids plus one! I didn't realise how important all of this was till my sanity broke. So this year apart from the usual new year challenges I have a few really important ones. Firstly find a job, secondly spend at least 5 mins per day with each child utterly focused on them as that has disappeared and thirdly invest in all of my relationships. Everything else is gravy  

So that is why I am breaking all the rules and saying I don't much like being a stay at home mum anymore, I will have pink hair and bring on all those challenges that take me out of all of our comfort zones.